The Best Australian Bush Stories Read online

  Before becoming a professional entertainer, songwriter, verse writer and singer in 1988, Jim Haynes taught writing, literature, history and drama in schools and universities from outback New South Wales to Britain and back again. While teaching he gained two masters degrees in literature, from New England University and the University of Wales (UK). Jim is the author of many great Australian titles including books on railways, the trucking industry, sea exploration, aviation and horse racing. He is one of our most successful and prolific Australiana authors.

  THE BEST

  AUSTRALIAN

  BUSH STORIES

  JIM HAYNES

  Published by Allen & Unwin in 2013

  Copyright © Jim Haynes 2013

  ‘Killer Koala’, ‘Drunken Kangaroo’, ‘Snakes and Alcohol’ and ‘One Hundred Stubbies’ by Kenneth Cook are published by arrangement with the Licensor, The Kenneth Cook Estate, c/- Curtis Brown (Aust) Pty Ltd.

  Permission to reproduce the story The Feud by D’Arcy Niland courtesy of the copyright owner Kemalde Pty Ltd, c/- Tim Curnow Literary Agent & Consultant, Sydney.

  ‘Old Heinrich and the Lambing Ewe’ by E.O. Schlunke is published with the kind permission of his son David Schlunke.

  Every effort has been made to contact persons owning copyright in the stories published in this book.

  In cases where this has not been possible, owners are invited to contact Allen & Unwin.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.

  Allen & Unwin

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  Crows Nest NSW 2065

  Australia

  Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100

  Fax: (61 2) 9906 2218

  Email: [email protected]

  Web: www.allenandunwin.com

  Cataloguing-in-Publication details are available

  from the National Library of Australia

  www.trove.nla.gov.au

  ISBN 978 1 74331 439 5

  eISBN 978 1 74343 511 3

  Set in 12/15 pt Minion Pro by Bookhouse, Sydney

  THIS BOOK IS FOR FRANK ‘JOE’ DANIEL

  CONTENTS

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  PART 1 DELIGHTS OF THE BUSH

  ‘Mallee Morning’ Wilbur Howcroft

  The Killer Koala Kenneth Cook

  The Delights of the Bush ‘Ah Chee’

  The Tallagandra Turkey Frank Daniel

  The Hotel in Maryborough Mark Twain

  Down among the Wombats Lennie Lower

  The Drunken Kangaroo Kenneth Cook

  ‘The Drover’s Lament’ Anon

  PART 2 BUSH JUSTICE

  ‘The Six-Stitcher’ Frank Daniel

  Bush Justice Banjo Paterson

  The Ironbark Chip Henry Lawson

  Here Comes the Bride Frank Dalby Davison

  His Bad Luck Edward Dyson

  Shooting Stars C.W. Peck

  Marks’s Cutter E.O. Schlunke

  ‘A Walgett Episode’ Banjo Paterson

  PART 3 DAVE IN LOVE

  ‘To Many Ladies’ ‘Dr Nil’ (Charles Souter)

  The Wrong Turning Henry Handel Richardson

  Spicer’s Courtship Edward Dyson

  Dave in Love Steele Rudd

  Poor Joe Marcus Clarke

  Strawberry: A Love Story J.J. Poynton

  A Box of Dead Roses Ethel Mills

  Drifted Back Henry Lawson

  ‘The Free-Selector’s Daughter’ Henry Lawson

  PART 4 THERE’S A PATRON SAINT OF DRUNKS

  ‘Drunks’ ‘Syd Swagman’

  Snakes and Alcohol Kenneth Cook

  There’s a Patron Saint of Drunks Jim Haynes

  The Evenin’ Before Leavin’ Home Steele Rudd

  The Six O’Clock Swells Frank Daniel

  Where the Cooler Bars Grow Lennie Lower

  One Hundred Stubbies Kenneth Cook

  ‘The Alcoholics’ Creed’ Anon

  PART 5 TO THE CITY

  ‘Simple Sister Goes to Sydney’ ‘Billy T’ (Edward Dyson)

  The Waybacks go to Sydney Henry Fletcher

  A Zack to Central Frank Daniel

  The Downfall Of Mulligan’s Banjo Paterson

  To the City Steele Rudd

  Miner’s Holiday Gavin Casey

  ‘Westward Ho!’ Harry ‘Breaker’ Morant

  PART 6 BENEFIT OF CLERGY

  ‘God and Poets’ Jack Sorensen

  I Used to Read the Comics First Jim Haynes

  The Reign of Eugene Ham ‘Brian James’ (John Tierney)

  Benefit of Clergy Alexander Allen

  A Sabbath Morn at Waddy Edward Dyson

  Bill’s Religion William Baylebridge

  Everyone Liked Father Connolly Jim Haynes

  First Confession Frank Daniel

  The Parson’s Blackboy Ernest Favenc

  ‘The Parson and the Prelate’ ‘Creeve Roe’ (Victor Daley)

  PART 7 THE CONQUERING BUSH

  ‘Spinifex’ Jack Sorensen

  The First Bush Fire C.W. Peck

  The Drover’s Wife Henry Lawson

  Mallee Royal Bridges

  An Error in Administration Adam McCay

  The Feud D’Arcy Niland

  The Conquering Bush Edward Dyson

  Rats Henry Lawson

  ‘The Wind that Buries the Dead’ ‘J.W. Gordon’ (Jim Grahame)

  PART 8 THE NIGHT WE WATCHED FOR WALLABIES

  ‘Picking Lemons’ Graham Fredriksen

  The Night We Watched for Wallabies Steele Rudd

  Crutching the Rams Frank Daniel

  Conversation in a Pantry Henry Handel Richardson

  Possum Gully Miles Franklin

  Old Heinrich and the Lambing Ewe E.O. Schlunke

  ‘Success’ James Lister Cuthbertson

  PART 9 THE LOST SOULS’ HOTEL

  ‘After Many Years’ Henry Kendall

  ‘Bring Your Fiddle, Joe’ ‘Brian James’ (John Tierney)

  Going Blind Henry Lawson

  A Letter from Colleen Frank Dalby Davison

  The Hagney Affair ‘Brian James’ (John Tierney)

  The Lost Souls’ Hotel Henry Lawson

  ‘Question Not’ Adam Lindsay Gordon

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thanks to Foong Ling Kong, Laura Mitchell, Katri Hilden and all at Allen and Unwin—and to Jackie Kent for guiding me to certain authors.

  Thanks also to Frank Daniel, Manfred Vijars and the families of the late Grahame Fredrikson and Wilbur Howcroft.

  INTRODUCTION

  Australia’s national character and spirit have always been defined, rightly or wrongly, by ‘the bush’.

  ‘The bush’ can mean just about anything ‘non-urban’ in Australia—the remote outback, a cattle station, a wheat farm, a small selection, or a rural town of any size. Our iconic characters are invariably found living in, taking refuge in, or exploring, ‘the bush’. The Aborigine, explorer, squatter, free selector, bushranger, pioneer and the tall bronzed laconic stockman—along with the country bumpkin out of place when away from ‘the bush’—are the raw material for much of the popular literature of Australia from colonial times to the present.

 
Some of the stories in this collection were written over a century and a quarter ago, and some were written quite recently. The bulk of the stories, however, come from the period between 1890 and 1960, when the short story was a very popular form of writing.

  A few of the stories in this collection are true ‘short stories’ in the ‘literary’ sense, while most are ‘stories’ in a more general sense. The majority represent the more common journalistic style favoured by The Bulletin—what the Europeans would call ‘sketches’ and the Americans ‘pieces’. These were far more commonly found in The Bulletin than true short stories.

  Lawson’s more serious ‘stories’ are mostly sketches—vignettes and character sketches—while his humorous stories would be classed as ‘pieces’ in the more journalistic, American sense of the term.

  Several of Edward Dyson’s stories come close to the classic short story form, but perhaps the best examples are the stories by D’Arcy Niland and Ethel Mills.

  During the era from which the majority of these stories come, 1890 to 1960, bush towns were prosperous little communities with a self-contained social structure. They were places where people worked, played sport, ran community organisations and shopped locally. Those were also the days before technology and the motor car changed small towns forever, leaving many of them almost deserted and others, nearer to larger centres, as mere dormitory towns. The workforce on farms and in small towns was reduced dramatically by technology and centralisation after World War II, and the ‘good old days’ of small town prosperity were gone by the 1960s.

  Those seven or eight decades also happened to be the years in which The Bulletin was proudly carrying popular Australian writing to a huge readership.

  The Bulletin was established by J.F. Archibald and John Haynes in 1880. Known as the ‘Bushman’s Bible’, it introduced almost every Australian author of note to the reading public. It was hugely popular in the bush, as well as in the cities of Australia, and was widely read in all the colonies.

  The Bulletin was an odd magazine. It was radical, racist, xenophobic, iconoclastic, anti-British and at times vehemently conservative. Although its editorial stance varied over its 128-year history, it can be best described, I think, in the same way that one of its greatest discoveries, Joseph Furphy, described himself—‘offensively Australian’.

  I believe that The Bulletin actually played a major role in establishing our nation. Australia was a continent housing six British colonies beset by rivalry and self-interest when The Bulletin was founded in 1880. By 1900 the population had voted 400,000 to 160,000 to federate. I believe The Bulletin, and the works of the authors it had discovered and let loose on the Australian colonial public, gave the population a sense of being ‘Australian’ rather than just being citizens of various British colonies.

  The importance of The Bulletin to our literary heritage simply cannot be overestimated. Its founder and editor, J.F. Archibald, and A.G. Stephens, the magazine’s literary editor from 1894 to 1906, virtually established the Australian literary ‘scene’ by finding, publishing and encouraging writers like Banjo Paterson, Henry Lawson, Joseph Furphy, Mary Gilmore, Miles Franklin, Steele Rudd, Edward Dyson, Charles Souter, Victor Daley, C.J. Dennis, Vance Palmer, Will Ogilvie, Harry ‘Breaker’ Morant, ‘John O’Brien’ and Gavin Casey.

  Stephens established the famous ‘Red Page’ of literary reviews, news and gossip in 1896, and eventually the poet and essayist Douglas Stewart edited that section of the bulletin from 1940 until 1961.

  It would be easier to list the authors and poets represented in this collection who were never published in The Bulletin than to list those who were. For the record, however, those who were ‘Bulletin writers’, apart from those listed above, include Ernest Favenc, ‘Ah Chee’, Henry Fletcher, Ethel Mills, J.J. Poynton, Alexander Allen, D’Arcy Niland, Brian James, E.O. Schlunke, Jack Sorensen, Adam McCay, ‘Jim Grahame’ and Frank Dalby Davison, who also published his short stories in a magazine, the Australian, which was owned by his father.

  Of course, not all the authors represented here were Bulletin writers. Ethel (‘Henry Handel’) Richardson established her literary career while living in Germany and Britain, and Mark Twain was probably the world’s best-known author when he visited Australia in 1890.

  None of Kenneth Cook’s stories ever appeared in The Bulletin, which had changed its focus by the time he was writing. Some of his stories first appeared in People magazine, but many of them were published for the first time in the three volumes of collected stories edited by his second wife, Jacqueline Kent.

  The Bulletin had long ceased to be a magazine that solicited short stories when ABC Books published my first collection of stories in 1999, while Frank Daniel’s stories and yarns have previously only appeared in amongst his verse in several self-published collections.

  The nine parts in this collection really evolved from the stories themselves as I read and re-read them. Once I had a few ideas about which stories would sit well together, the stories sorted themselves into the various sections.

  I am fascinated by the different attitudes and angles authors take to various subjects, and the same subjects kept cropping up, which made it easy to sort the stories into sections and to establish what it is about ‘the bush’ that has always fascinated Australian writers.

  Jim Haynes

  2013

  Part 1

  DELIGHTS OF

  THE BUSH

  Written with tongue firmly placed in cheek, ‘The Delights of the Bush’, by that mysterious Bulletin writer of the 1890s ‘Ah Chee’, sets the tone for this collection of humorous tales about the vagaries, annoyances, struggles and indignities of bush life.

  The vitriol is always sugar-coated with humour—to varying degrees. Mark Twain could find the comic element in most situations and in any character. In his yarn about a young cleric’s verbal attack on the Maryborough Hotel, he was able to craft a conversation in a train into a humorous character study.

  Frank Daniel takes a simple childhood memory and creates a story which verges on Keystone Cops slapstick in ‘The Tallagandra Turkey’, while Kenneth Cook takes situation comedy and exaggeration to another level in ‘The Killer Koala’ and ‘The Drunken Kangaroo’.

  Kenneth Cook had a gift for writing brilliantly about encounters with various creatures, and always managed to capture the sense of fear many of us feel when we find ourselves ‘one on one’ with another species.

  It takes the zany word play of Lennie Lower, however, to push the boundaries of prose into sheer, and hilarious, nonsense. A writer way ahead of his time, Lennie Lower also, sadly, died before his time, at the age of just 44, in 1947.

  ‘MALLEE MORNING’

  WILBUR HOWCROFT

  Bright early in the mornin’,

  The dawn a-showin’ red,

  I levers up me eyelids

  An’ blunders outa bed.

  I lights me up a gasper

  Then moseys out ter see

  What palpitatin’ prospects

  Fate has in store fer me.

  There’s maggots in the meat safe,

  The rain tank’s sprung a leak

  An’ damn me if the cart horse

  Ain’t bogged down in the creek.

  Me old dog’s got the staggers

  An’ whimpers as in pain,

  The wheat crop’s slowly dyin’

  Through want o’ ruddy rain.

  The crows are at the chickens,

  A water pipe ’as bust

  While headin’ hell fer leather

  I spots a wall o’ dust.

  The sheep are in the haystack,

  The milkin’ cow is dead—

  I shoves aside the missus

  An’ climbs back inter bed.

  THE KILLER KOALA

  KENNETH COOK

  I DO NOT LIKE koalas. They are nasty, cross, stupid creatures without a friendly bone in their bodies. Their social habits are appalling—the males are always beating their fellows up and stealin
g their females. They have disgusting defensive mechanisms. Lice infest their fur. They snore. Their resemblance to cuddly toys is a base deceit. There is nothing to commend them.

  On top of all that, a koala once tried to do me a very nasty mischief.

  A small island named Kudulana about ten kilometres off the coast of Tasmania used to maintain a large population of koalas. Then somebody introduced sheep to the island, cleared too many trees, and suddenly there weren’t enough of the right sort of gum leaves and the koalas were in danger of dying out.

  A National Parks and Wildlife field officer named Mary Anne Locher was appointed to the task of rounding up the koalas and shipping them to greener pastures on the mainland. She invited me to help her, and on the grounds that there is a story in everything, I accepted.

  Mary Anne Locher was rather like a koala herself in appearance. She was short, fat and round and had fluffy brown hair which she wore quite short, and her ears stuck out through it. I suppose she was about fifty at the time, a little older than I.

  She always wore brown overalls and these, aided by the effect of her button nose and bright brown eyes, increased her similarity to a koala. Her voice was soft and slightly sibilant and she gave the impression that if you poked her tummy she would squeak. Unlike a koala, she was very pleasant and gentle.

  At that stage I was not as corpulent as I am now, but nevertheless I was a well-fleshed man. That is to say, I could tie up my own shoelaces without much difficulty, but I was not athletic.

  The unkind might have thought that Mary Anne and I were a slightly comical-looking pair as we left the ferry at Kudulana, one tall and round and bearded, the other short and round and fluffy-haired, each carrying a large, long-handled net and wearing identical brown overalls, for I had borrowed a departmental pair to wear on the job. As the ferry driver unloaded the wooden-slatted cages that were to hold our catch, he went so far as to suggest that our task would be made easy because the koalas would fall out of the trees laughing.

  To catch a koala, all you do is startle it so that it jumps or falls off its branch, and then you entrap it in your net. At any rate that’s what Mary Anne told me. She didn’t mention that it only works with cooperative koalas.